As a society, we have ignored the mental health needs of men. Many men walk around and have no idea they are wounded psychologically.
From a young age, many men have been taught to “toughen up” and “be a man.” The old adage that “boys don’t cry” is very true for many of us. Our fathers modeled being stoic and non-emotional and used anger to put the fear of G-d in us. This left many men to lock down their emotions (just like their fathers did), cutting off the feelings in their bodies.
As a result, many men use the one emotion they are permitted to have: anger. For some strange reason, anger is socially acceptable for men to express and display. Through anger, many men express their helplessness, fear, anxiety, depression, sadness, powerlessness, and many other emotions.
Anger has a bad rap. People are afraid of anger, and it is often a bad word. Anger can push away those we love and can get us into trouble in our jobs, relationships, legally, at school, etc.
Many men become rageful, a more extreme form of anger that’s out-of-control, reckless, self-destructive, and a deep source of shame after it arises. Just drive down the highway and watch how many men drive uncontrollably fast through traffic. This happens because these men are not in tune with their emotional needs as men.
The issue of control, power, and abuse runs in the background of many men’s relationships with their fathers. I would argue that this traditional expectation for many men to “toughen up” and avoid their emotions is a manifestation of trauma. The emotional state of many men is shaped by a dissociation common in trauma, where one numbs the body to cope with the overwhelming situation.
What I see as a couples therapist is that many men don’t know what they need or feel. This creates a problem for their partners, who are often frustrated with a lack of reciprocation and sensitivity to their emotional state. Many men, because of their early psychological injuries, become neglectful of and out of contact with their partner because they, themselves, are hurting (and they don’t know it). This causes their partner to feel extremely frustrated because they don’t let them in or collaborate with them.
A covert depression, unrecognized by the majority of health care providers and therapists alike, occurs in many men who don’t recognize they are even depressed. Male depression often does not look like what we have defined as “major depressive disorder” in the DSM-5, the diagnostic manual for mental health. This has been a calamity for many men who need help.
Since the rise of the feminist movement, women have been demanding better treatment and more equality in society and in relationships. This has caused a major shift in our society, particularly in gender roles and what’s expected of men. Many men feel confused about how they should be in their relationships and families.
The traditional pressure many men feel to make money and provide for their families combined with the expectation that they be able to communicate openly, be emotionally attuned, sensitive, and loving while being strong, masculine, and take charge, leaves many men to fall flat, disappointing and enraging their partners.
Men need other men to heal. They need a therapist to help them who understands the needs of men. The internal messages and subtle things happening in the moment with men are what we therapists who work with men help them with. As a male therapist, I model for my clients how to catch my emotions and expressions in a split second. I also help them to dig up the emotions they repress for fear of vulnerability and being hurt and manipulated by others. Men grow if they have the conditions to grow and the sensitivity to allow them to be the men they want to be.