As a couples therapist, many couples seek therapy today for what we call “relationship coaching.” These skills are helpful to many couples, and my experience and the research say they are not enough. What couples need to understand is that it’s taken this long to behave the way they do, and it’s going to take a while before they are willing to make changes as two individuals. Changes in couples are usually a dynamic process where small shifts occur individually over time in each person, helping the couple move in a more satisfying direction.
Each individual in the relationship is different in how they cope with stress, differences, letting go of strong feelings toward one another, grieving, and finding compromise to move forward. This is because they come from different backgrounds and upbringings. Without realizing it, many couples get stuck in a competitive scenario where they want to “win” and defeat their partner for control and power.
Sometimes, the power dynamics in couples are not repairable because each partner is not willing to do the work needed and loses patience with the often long, slow process of change. This can result in premature departure from couples treatment, impulsive acting out, or simply divorcing to end the struggle.
Because of the many projections (an unconscious process of blaming the other that comes from a person’s past, mostly childhood relationships with their parents) that one partner places onto another, I usually recommend concurrent individual psychotherapy for each partner. Each partner needs to identify and work through their own frustrations, grieve the loss of the ideal partner, forgive them for built-up resentments, and have patience with one another. Couples therapy alone is not enough because what arises for them is often something they need to explore in their individual treatment.
Some of the relational skills we work on in couples treatment include clearer communication, accurate empathy, active listening, conflict resolution, and identifying needs and wants. We also incorporate active steps via homework so that the couple practices outside of treatment and applies what they’ve learned to real life. The couple will bring back the results of the homework to process in treatment and work through what got in the way.
Helping each partner understand what they want and need involves establishing safety in the relationship, building trust, identifying emotions, developing listening skills, reflecting on what’s discussed and what reactions arise, letting go of the need for control, developing boundaries (and respecting those boundaries), and using therapy to work through the frustration and the tug-of-war that many couples experience in terms of power and control.
John and Julie Gottman, two well-known couples therapists and researchers, identified six areas for couples to work on:
Building love maps
Sharing fondness/admiration
Turning towards the other
Developing a positive perspective
Managing conflict
Creating shared meaning
Many couples wait until there’s a crisis before seeking help. There’s a four-alarm fire in their relationship, and they are just looking to get rescued or get out. When there is a crisis, mental health clinicians try to establish a sense of safety to help process the trauma. This is not a good time to make lasting changes quickly. Many couples are unrealistic about how long this process will take. Patience and time are incredibly important for lasting change to occur.
Please consider couples therapy if you are a couple in need of help before a crisis arises. There is nothing wrong with seeking support for your relationship. You are important, and so is your partner. Taking care of your mental health is critical. I welcome you with open arms and encourage you to find the strength to reach out.